Friday, February 5, 2010

Big step for mom

It's funny to sit here and read my own posts and realize just where my mind and emotions have taken me over the past year.  Up to the day of Emma's diagnosis, I  had never really experienced anything as emotionally challenging as I would soon be facing.  For me it was complete shock and disbelief.  I didn't know how to handle things and certainly didn't know how to feel.  I guess maybe I thought I was doing okay but in part, I was tucking those feelings away for another day.  I've been doing that with my emotions since we found out back in July 2008.  Occasionally things would bubble up to the surface and I felt like I handled it and moved on.  I didn't blog that much because they all had that "Debbie downer" theme.  Now that she's 14 months old and she doing great, I'm still emotionally stuck.  It's hard for me to let go of worry, always thinking down the road for her and forgetting to enjoy the blessings we see with her daily.  This past monday, in a new doctor's office with a complete stranger it hit me!  Guilt!  We were going through the questions for depression, which was my reason for going in and I immediately started crying when she asked me about my kids.  I've neglected myself for the past year and focused on everything for Emma and my older kids.  I didn't want to have any worries as far as my health was concerned, I couldn't handle that.  But a complete stranger, who had known me for all of 5 mins could see right through me. 

I knew all of this had started for me when we found out about the SB.  There was no rhyme or reason for why she had it, she just did and I couldn't change it.  I wanted so much to make it go away for her everyday that I was pregnant.  I'd read and read until I had read every article and journal they had out there.  But ultimately, I felt responsible and I have never fully admited that.  Was it my weight that caused it or something I was exposed to or the BP meds I was on?  I asked myself that so many times and no amount of people saying "It's not your fault" could make the doubt in my mind go away.  Monday that doc asked me if I felt guilty and I immediately said "Yes"... because well, I do.  When I read posts on the boards from other moms who are just finding out it makes me ache to think they feel to blame, but here I am harboring these same feelings of guilt!  It's so much easier to look outside of yourself than deal with any of your own emotions.  I felt like I took a step in the right direction on Monday.  I don't want another mom that goes through this same experience to feel like they're the guilty one.  My doc said something that will stick with me for a long time...."God just stitches us each up a little differently when he's making us".  We've had tons of discussion about the reasons but ultimately, God knew exactly what he was doing in Emma's life.  It has taken a long time for me to realize that and I feel like I will always have moments of doubt but we have been so blessed to have Emma in our lives, SB or not, I wouldn't change a single thing.  She has a smile that is infectuous and a giggle that makes her dad and I melt and she is trying everyday to show us how SB isn't going to keep her down.  So I can't let a little thing like depression keep me from enjoying such a beautiful life with my awesome family!!